How To Say Goodbye

The darkness settles quietly around me, and I take inventory of the gentle noises in my room. My computer whirring softly, the fan above my bed rocking as it rotates slowly, and the breathing a my loved as he is pressed against me. I put my hand on him, and he remains still. Tomorrow he will be gone. 
He has no idea I will be leaving him. It would be worse were I a wife leaving a husband, I lie to myself. But betrayal is betrayal, and mine will be made the coming day. 
Underneath my palm, my love twitches and makes a soft noise, but does little to mask the sound of my heart cracking as it begins to break. I had made him dinner, and afterwards he had kissed me with the same affection he had for years. Tomorrow will take every ounce of strength I have not to change my mind and take him back, and I must sleep to build that strength, but I can’t. I hear him breathing deeply next to me, his body pressed against mine, trusting and vulnerable, and I feel cold despite his warmth. 
It’s for the best, I lie again. Someone else will love him, and better than I can. A twinge of jealousy has a brief battle with my rationality, and is quickly suppressed by reason. 
I never had a love so loyal, and tomorrow is goodbye. He doesn’t know I’ve gathered his things. I hope I haven’t even forgotten anything; finding something a month from now would be painful, and this needs to be a clean break. I snuggle closer to him, and give him a small kiss. His collar glints in the light from the street outside my window, and a tear rebels against my wishes and runs down my face. The name I gave him shines in the dark, almost glowing on his tag. His fur is warm beneath my palm. He awakens briefly, licks a tear from my face, and goes back to sleep. My heart spiderwebs like a broken mirror, My love, my dog, has forgiven me. 

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A different perspective

i know that there are a lot of things I bitch about. I know there are a lot of things we all bitch about. But I always try to have a solution to my problems. That aside, I have always known my life was destined to be great. To be different. I am a leader, I am an activist, I will make a change. I am not sure how long I have been on this road to making a difference, but I can feel now that I am out of the forest, for the most part. I can see the great things along my road, with my trusty binoculars of course. I know that the way won’t be easy. I can see thickets of trees that may be dark periods, but as long as I keep my head about me I can manage to make it through. The forest, the darkest part of my life, is thinning, making way for clarity along my path. I will make a difference, I will set a positive example, I will be a shining beacon for making the world a better place. They say “it is what you make it” about various things. Why not make it better?

How I Live My Life

How Should I Live My Life?

How should I live my life? This is a loaded question, and anyone that answers immediately either doesn’t understand the question or is a liar. It is not an easy question, and I have spent a lot of time thinking about this question and how to answer it. I am a very opinionated person, and I consider myself to be well grounded and rooted in my positions, not to be easily swayed. Therefore, there are very few things, specifically questions, that someone could ask me that would catch me off guard, and I do, honestly, think this is one. But don’t take that caution and uncertainty as a lack of confidence. My opinions, my beliefs, my thoughts, have been known to be offensive because they are not typically in keeping with the majority of people. So consider yourself warned, reader. The way I should live my life may be in contrast with how you think you should live yours, but neither of us are wrong. Just different. 

There are a lot of virtues that I hold close. I consider myself a “truthist”; I am always looking for the truth in things, not an opinion, speculation, or truth based on perspective. That said, obviously honesty is something that is important to me. My sister is a compulsive liar, and my brother is a drug addict that has recently relapsed. My mother cheated on my father and left him. I never realized it before, but another virtue of importance to me is courage. It takes courage to say what’s on your mind, to stand up for what you believe in, to stand up for others that can’t or won’t. It takes courage to do the right thing, whatever your version of the right thing may be, and it takes courage to stick to your guns. I have done all of those things without consideration of the effects of those things. I have stated my opinion and been chastised for it. But that didn’t stop me from doing it again. When I was in the navy, I had no problems telling my chief or higher ranking officers the opinions of junior sailors, and often those junior sailors were mad at me for saying something and causing a stir even though I told the truth. My former Captain approached me several times and asked for a crew opinion because he didn’t trust his officers or the chiefs to tell him the truth. It takes courage to confront a friend who has upset you, and I have done that. I’m not one of those people that is “non-confrontational”, I just think there is a way to have a conversation and express what needs to be expressed, civilly, and without being confrontational. People are too afraid to make waves and therefore get pushed over and lose friends because of that. 

Another thing that is important to me is compassion. I believe compassion makes you human. You need compassion to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand their point of view, and let go of your own perspective and see someone else’s. It takes compassion for people less fortunate than you when you give them change on the corner, or my favorite, leftovers from a restaurant. It takes compassion to forgive those that have wronged you or turned you out. It takes compassion to love. Not just love someone else, but love yourself. I could argue that all of these take courage too, because almost everyone knows how difficult it is to let your walls down and love someone else at the risk of being heartbroken. It takes compassion to care enough. There is a phrase that annoys me, “the person with the most power in a relationship is the person who cares less”. Although it has been repeatedly proven to me to be true, I feel that it is a very dispassionate and cold statement. I think if that is how you live your life, you have very little compassion for the people around you. 

Although these are very strong virtues for me, they are nothing without loyalty. In my experience, you can’t have the truth without loyalty. You can’t have courage without loyalty. You can’t have compassion without loyalty. I don’t have that many friends, but the ones I do have are the ones that have been by my side for a long time. The ones that have stayed loyal despite disagreements, despite lies being told about me, despite distance, despite having not seen me for a long time. Recently, I had a falling out with someone I considered my best friend. She invited me to come live with her while I get my self together and adjust to my new life as a civilian. Within a month, she started acting distant, and despite my asking her what the problem was, and if everything was okay, she repeatedly told me everything was fine. It got to the point that right before Valentine’s Day, I left completely and haven’t lived with her since. My cousin, thank goodness, was there for me, and has let me stay with her and her family. My mother, who lives twenty minutes from my cousin, has not called me or asked how I’m doing since I moved back to Florida, yet my brother and sister live with her. I have slowly removed all of my things from the house of the person I thought was my best friend, and have been completely shut out by her. With no explanation. She showed her true colors, her loyalty to no one but herself, like my mother has shown her loyalty to her girlfriend, my sister that works in the strip club, and my deadbeat brother that can’t keep a job. The people that have chosen me, who have shown their loyalty to me, like my cousin, are the people I will show my loyalty to as well. I expect the truth from them, and they can handle the truth from me. I expect courage from them, and strength, when I need it, and they will certainly have my courage and strength when they need it. They have shown me compassion, and love, and I undoubtedly will continue to return the favor. I believe that family is what you make it, those that stay true, not limited to those that you share blood with. Although my loyal friends live nowhere near me, their unconditional strength, courage, and confidence in me gives me the strength to be confident and have courage to keep going forward with my life and to never give up. My loyal cousin will find herself stuck with me not because I owe it to her (which I do), but because I believe in her and will be there for her whether she asks or not, and whether I owe it or not. 

It is important to be true to yourself. To be loyal to yourself, and understand that what you give, you will receive in return. I strongly believe in the golden rule of treating people the way you want to be treated, and that you owe it to yourself to be the best person you can be, always moving forward, setting an example to others of how to be a good human. I am aware that I am watched, I am seen, I am observed, every action, by those around me, and only those closest to me will know my true feelings. How should I live my life? Loyal to those that are loyal to me, confident, courageous, honest. Aware that those around me reflect me. I will live my life leading by example, being there for others always, and knowing who is there for me. Ironically, the navy’s core values are honor, courage, and commitment, and it took me writing this to realize that uphold those without thinking about it. 

The Road to Hell

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Despite my best efforts to be the best human I can be, to look out for others, to guide and train others, to be a good friend, a good sister, and a good mentor, and to know when I am the student or the one in need of help, in the past 3 years, I have been called a monster, a liar, a whore, a bully, a bitch, manipulative, coercive, stupid, a faker, weak, full of shit, ignorant, disrespectful, and a snob, to name a few. The people that called me this were people I called friends, and some of my family members. I spend a lot of time alone, I rarely go out. I don’t have friends anymore, and I have no intentions of dating someone. I know I need to focus on school and work and I am, whole-heartedly. The only family I am close to is my dad and my cousin’s family that I live with right now. Who knows how long before I blow it with them, despite doing what I think is the right thing to not screw up. I struggle with myself, and every new burn and heartache makes my walls a little higher, and makes me withdraw a little more from social settings. But meet me at work, and I will smile like I’ve known you forever, chat like we go way back, and wish you to have a great day, because I truly wish you would. No one would ever know that I feel rejected, hurt, emotional, fear, anxiety, stress. I keep all of that inside so that you don’t have to worry about me. But if you need anything, please ask. I’m here to help.

Disclaimer/Intro

I don’t have any idea who would read this, but my whole purpose for this is to decompress by getting my thoughts out of my head. Some will be funny, some will be just commentary for things going on, and some will be heartfelt and emotional. Please bear with me, this is new for me.